Before proceeding to the second chapter, I want to thank all of the comments. I read each of them and I’m glad that everyone is enjoying the book, even though it is a sad subject.
I kindly ask you not to repost this anywhere, instead link this page.
Like always, don’t hesitate to ask me any questions!
Please be aware of violence and grotesque description in this chapter.

Immersed in the darkest darkness
Seeing my family and others around me as enemies, I also started to view the music business in the same light. In rapid progression, I became very negative. A little before when I started the seminar, in July of 1997, I worked on a CD and concert projects with violinist Hakase Taro. But I also received extreme criticism from Masaya and Moritani.
“You dressing up like that is so awful. Until when do you plan to continue doing such disgusting things? You monstrous chin man!”
(After all, someone of such strong ego like me cannot sing songs in service for the world, I’ll just be some kind of criminal and fall into hell. Someone with a subsided ego like Masaya can contribute to the world beautifully with his songs.)
It was deeply ingrained in my mind that Masaya was the one I should worship.
(I want to become a genuine Healing artist like Masaya, and for that, I should attend the seminar properly to have my ego subside.)
I thought, too.
After I took the seminar, halfway during the recording with Hakase, I went through a complete transformation. I rewrote all of the lyrics I previously wrote, and requested the other lyricists to rewrite the other songs. Everything was rewritten because of the seminar I took. The composition and lyrics for the song 「さようなら」(‘Good Bye’) had the implication that I was saying good bye to my past and and the major recording world.

Withdrawal from the seminar
In October of 1997, I received words of caution from my brother about my duty to invite others to the seminar.
“There’s been a report claiming that you are being brainwashed, that you’re involved with a brainwashing cult. If that report gets published, it’ll be big trouble. Is it true?”
“I didn’t join any religion, and I’m not being brainwashed, at all.”
“They also say that you became an ‘advertisement’ for that cult, and you’re inviting people to the cult. What’s that about?”
“I’m not inviting anyone. I’m just recommending it to some friends because good things happened to me.”
“What about getting your fans involved? Please try to understand this from my point of view!”
“I didn’t say anything to the fans.”
“If these claims get out there, it will have a huge impact on your artistic life!”
“It’s not true, so if they want to write about that, then they’re free to. It’s not like I’m doing anything wrong, how about letting them write all they want to?”
“If this gets published, won’t it then cause troubles for Masaya and the others?”
“Your project with Hakase will be released soon, not to say that it’s a big tie up with a cosmetics company. The companies involved have high expectations of this project. If this turns into a scandal, you’ll have to pay a high price in reparations!”
I lost any response I could say. If this became a scandal, it would be very troublesome for Masaya and Home of Heart. And if I continued with the invitations, there’s no doubt a bigger problem would arise.
One of Home of Heart’s male staff had a plan for me to invite the thousands of people I compromised to. “You gather your fans at a concert and invite them.”
I was worried about this plan.
I was reluctant, but said to my brother.
“I’m not going to Home of Heart any more. I have nothing more to do with Masaya.”
I sent a fax addressed to Masaya.
“In order not to cause troubles, I am leaving the seminar for some time.”
As for the answer, I was contacted by Home of Heart. “Masaya says OK.”
I was very anxious, thinking that they would call me to join the seminar again, but I was surprised with the response. Somewhere in my mind, I also felt relief from discontinuing the seminar. Even though, I quit the seminar, yet, Moritani, who attended it every day, would make it so I didn’t miss anything. It was very like attending the seminar after all. When Moritani returned home from the seminar, she would do it just like in the seminar. In our living room, she would make me kneel on the floor and repeat the violence and abuse. The abusive words towards my brother, who made me quit the seminar, were particularly very violent.
“Your damn brother wants your artistic rights, and for that, he won’t let you do what you really want, he’s going to exploit you! He’s dangerous as someone from the mafia, that egomaniac person! You’re afraid of your brother, you’re so afraid of society, you just do what they tell you to do! Not taking the seminar, your life will only go back to the hell it was, pitiful egomaniac!”
Moritani’s abusive word against my brother had their effect on me, my hatred for my brother grew even more.
“If you don’t continue taking the seminar, you’ll only fall dead in that hell! It only serves you right!”
I only became more and more afraid of falling back into my hellish life, if I didn’t take the seminar. Not being able to attend the seminar out of my own will, with Moritani always by my side, I could not distance myself from the world of seminars.

The last escape route closed
Not three weeks since I sent a fax with my resignation to the seminar, Moritani said.
“Let’s go just once to Home of Heart. Because they said we could just drop by to hang around… I mean, we don’t have to take the seminar, but everyone is worried, so we could visit just to say ‘hi’?”
At this point in time, my relationship in work with my brother(manager) and the surrounding staff people was so dire, that I couldn’t talk to them. I had no emotional reliance, and eventually, I went to Home of Heart. Sitting on the floor of the basement room together with the Home of Heart staff people, we talked. Masaya then appeared coming down from the stairs. Taken aback, I stood up and lowered my head.
“I’m sorry about the trouble I caused you.”
“This is your home, you can come back any time…”
With Masaya’s kind words, at my side, Moritani wailed. I also shed some tears.
I knew that there would be no return, and my last escape route, my brother, would shut down.

The start of bizarre exploitation
One month after my proposal to leave the seminar, reports of the scandal hadn’t leaked to the media yet. I could safely release a new song with Hakase Taro, and that song was continuously used for a cosmetics product’s commercials.
“That’s blackmail from your brother.” Moritani said. Then, she also told me.
“Masaya said that we can start again the seminar we left behind in the middle, ‘Creation Training’. He says that in order to avoid trouble, this time you don’t have to invite anyone. So let’s make this a secret from your brother and others.”
Once again, I began the ‘Creation Training’ from start. After I paid once again the fees for the seminar, the 90 day period training started.
It brought me peace of mind that I was basically prohibited of inviting anyone. Yet, this was only the beginning of the endless brainwashing. In rapid succession, the following seminar trainings started.
“Island Self Training”
“Master Training”
“Creation Meeting”
“Masaya lecture session”
“Masaya radio recording”
“Training for the reading of Masaya’s recommended book ‘Super Mind'”
“Braver Training”
“Awakening Training”
“Money Training”
And so on, having to pay several hundreds of thousand Yen, I frequently visited Home of Heart for these seminar trainings of various names that increased almost every night.
These trainings had each a different name, but in the end, all of them consisted of abuse and violence. To me, Masaya became the supreme ruler. Day by day, the mind control became stronger.
Along with the seminars, many parallel products were released and I purchased almost all of them, two of each for Moritani and I.
“Masaya lecture tape”
“Masaya lecture video”
“Masaya radio tape”
“Masaya CD”
“Masaya’s collection of photography”
“Copies of Matsuda Norie’s paintings”
“Postcards of Matsuda Norie’s art”
These things were all placed as one part of the seminar. Tens of thousands became several hundred thousand Yen that I paid to Home of Heart.

Seal of blood
When I returned to the seminar, Masaya and Moritani became increasingly violent in their abuse because I couldn’t end my relationship with my brother.
Masaya scolded me.
“Just get rid of that brother of yours quickly! I’ll get the phone and you tell him that now!”
My brother wouldn’t pick up the phone, so all kinds of verbal abuse were left on the answering machine message to him.
A few days later, I met with my brother to tell him about his resigning.
I was left feeling sorry, because this was my brother who left everything behind to become my manager and help me in times of trouble. I asked fellow manager acquaintances to put him on a magazine or hire him into their own offices. Then, I met my brother in a tea house near to Ebisu station, preparing myself to tell him.
“I’ll be my own office’s representative, so please resign.”
“All right. But first I have to see that all is in good order.” he readily answered.
Several days after, we met again late at night in my office, there my showed me a document to sign.
“Please sign this.”
It only hit my eyes quickly, I didn’t really see what was written there. Just before I went to the office in Ebisu, I was in the Minamiasa city headquarters of Home of Heart, where in the underground room, I received more violence and abuse from Masaya and Moritani, I cried hard, and my consciousness became blurred. In that state I proceeded. At the office, we had a meeting in a confined partition space. There, my brother sat facing a rectangular gray table.
“Here, we’ll seal this with blood.”
He said, and threw a cutter knife in my direction. With the sound of it falling, I returned to my senses and instantly became frightened.
“I have to end this quickly in a moment and get away from here” I thought.
Flustered, I wrote my name on the document, and holding the knife in my left hand, right away I drove the knife’s edge into the flesh of my thumb.
The deep red blood started to come out in drops. I pressed that finger into the document. The dull pain in my fingertip moved fast.
Raising his voice a little, my brother said.
“Is that really fine with you?”
After I nodded in consent, looking down, my brother also signed his name, cut his finger and pressed his seal of blood under my own.
In the next day, I showed this document to Masaya.
“So these are the idiotic contents? You agreed to this and you won’t get any money for yourself now. Tear this document and discard it.”
The contents of the document stated that all the money from the rights of X Japan would go to my brother, and all the derivation money would also go to my brother. The money from my solo career now on would be divided. About 20% of it would go to my brother and about another 20% would, surprisingly, go to my mother. My brother also thought that I would not sign this document.
Then, Masaya said.
“Instead of getting rid of this document, tell your brother that you’ll continue to work with him.” Masaya changed his tone to a higher pitch, and I became confused.
(Masaya must have profoundly thought about this, so much that a simpleton like me could not understand it…)
After, I told my brother.
“Please turn this document back. I still want to work with you from now on.”
My brother said in reply.
“I can return the document, I can still work with you, but please do not associate with Masaya or Home of Heart any more, promise this to me.”
My brother instructed me to communicate to Moritani, so that she could inform Masaya, that “Your brother(in-law) says that from now on I have no relation in anything having to do with Masaya or Home of Heart”.

Exchange of money and energy
Masaya’s lecture, “Money is the exchange of energy” was deeply rooted in my mind after the abusive and violent actions(feedback).
“A person with subsided pride like Masaya uses money beautifully, to create and provide things in favor of the world.”
“An egoist like me uses money for the destruction of the world. Letting Masaya use money is a good deed for the world. Having other people buy Masaya’s music and product will also be a good deed for the world.”
The year of 1997 had ended, and since I had married Moritani in February, in the short time of 10 months, my life had turned completely to another direction. My income of royalties and wages of several hundred thousand Yen had almost entirely gone to Home of Heart. When I realized, my money on hand was very low. Then, Moritani spent many nights at Home of Heart because living with an egoist like me was a hindrance in her training. Masaya, at the Home of Heart facility, lived together with approximately 20 women(including minors and infants). The male staff people lived in the small room of an apartment in Gotanda, Shinagawa. I lived with Moritani in a house we rented when we married located in Setagaya. It had 4 rooms and 3 stories. I lived mostly alone, believing Moritani’s effort to attend the trainings. Moritani, who attended the seminar longer than I did and participated every day, of course was a ‘honor student’. Collecting my money, delivering the violence and abuse to me, she became vigilant of my actions for them.

Haunted by their words
December 31, 1997. I went to X Japan’s break up concert.
In April of that year, I asked to leave th band, in September, X Japan announced their break up. Honestly, I did not want to do this concert, but I was called by X Japan’s management to perform.
Several days before the concert, many times the members of X Japan gathered in the studio to rehearse. Since asking to leave the band, it had been a while since I saw them, but we didn’t exchange many words. At that time, I was attending a seminar that would take approximately 6 days, from the end of the year to the new year, called “Master Training”.
“A beginner like you is not allowed to take this training. This is a training for experienced people to learn the essence of the seminar. But Masaya says that you’re given a special permission to attend it.”
“The day that training starts is the day I have to perform with X Japan at the Tokyo Dome. I can’t attend.”
I ended the phone call angry, hearing from Home of Heart’s management about the seminar.
At the same time, I heard strong abusive words from Moritani, but in the end, I was given special permission to go to the rehearsals and the concert. I did not attend that training.
Then, the day of the concert.
9 in the morning. At Home of Heart’s headquarters, in the basement room, for three hours, I received particularly violent abuse and beatings. Crying and screaming, I had no singing voice left. I also lost consciousness.
On the way to the venue, in the car, I realized that this concert would be broadcast live on TV. Masaya and Moritani said to me. “We’ll be watching the TV”.
(What kind of face should I have when I go on the stage? I can’t say anything unnecessary on stage.) I thought.
More than the unpleasant atmosphere with Yoshiki and the members, I worried about Masaya and Moritani’s reactions.
5:30 in the afternoon, start of the show.
The Tokyo Dome was dark, and the song for the member’s entrance on stage, “Amethyst” by Yoshiki, played loudly. The loud cheers from the enthusiastic fans filled my ears completely. But it faded as Masaya and Moritani’s voices echoed in my mind.
“That visual rock, X Japan, are a disgusting group in control! They are the incarnation of evil!”
When the intro of “Rusty Nail” played, with an explosive sound, fireworks sparked in the sky, the band’s performance started. Yoshiki, like always, played the drums with his all, Hide, like always, played his guitar magnificently. Suddenly I calmed down, and without thinking too much, I yelled.
“Let’s go!!”

The last gift from Hide
When the first song ended, I lost my words, not sure of what I should say.
“Welcome to X Japan’s last live…”
When I finally thought of these words, I lost any further words. Then, I heard Masaya and Moritani’s voices.
“You keep getting spoiled by those hyena-like fans, making indecent faces, you worm!”
In that moment, Yoshiki beat the drums with force.
Without thinking, I yelled.
“Put your all into it!!”
After a few songs, I had to talk to the audience again. I had a blockage, I didn’t know what to say. Once again, these voices haunted me.
“A criminal like you is leading a hellish life”
At that moment, Hide, the guitarist, approached me. His bright red hair reflected on the glossy red outfit.
Holding the pop design guitar of red hearts, he shouted something to me. He gestured with big movements of his hands.
His shouts soon vanished because of the noise, but I could faintly hear them.
“Toshi, enthusiasm! Enthusiasm!”
He had a lot of make up on, but he still had the characteristic pouting smile.
In the eight months since I asked to leave the band, I did not talk to any of the members. At the rehearsal a few days before the concert, I couldn’t even look at them in the eyes. At the stage, I couldn’t also look at the enthusiastic fans. I felt isolated. I felt guilt. My heart said that this was for the best. I had many mixed feelings. And then, I was haunted by the memory of Masaya and Moritani’s abuse and violence.
But Hide, in that moment, made me shake off all of these things.
To the packed Tokyo Dome, to the members, and to myself, I shouted!
“Let’s make this perfectly beautiful with no regrets! The time to do this is now!!”
I was childhood friends with Yoshiki. I spent many years together with Hide and the other members, living our dream. I thought that I at least should have fun for the last time, with my friends and the fans.
Hide’s words to me were the best, but the last gift to me. This communication of few words, in that instant, would also be our eternal goodbye. Five months after this, Hide passed away.
Clocking in at 4 hours, the last live ended, and we went to NHK Hall in Shibuya to what would be X Japan’s last performance. I had no strength left to sing my final song with X Japan, “Forever Love”, but mustering all strength I had left, I sang it and in this way, all my activity with X Japan ceased.

Unforgivable seminar talk
The day after the last live, right after new year’s day of 1998, I immediately started my activity with Hakase Taro, appearing on TV and having 5 days of concerts in Tokyo, starting from January 4. At these concerts, it would be the first time that I talked of sad and hurtful events of my childhood, as I did for “Share” on the seminar.
Before the concert, started, I received a telephone call from Moritani and the verbal abuse started. Her loud, angry voice could be heard from the phone, echoing in my surroundings. I locked myself in the anteroom’s restroom, still listening to the verbal abuse from the phone.
“The fans screaming for you are only making your ego worse, that’s the only reason why you are performing this repulsive concert! Stop it now!”
Concerned about my surroundings, I pretended to cry, quietly sobbing.
The staff came to call me for rehearsal, which started now, but it didn’t stop. The worried staff members called me, I wasn’t getting out of the restroom.
“Toshi, are you all right?”
“Yes.” I replied in a quiet voice.
When the phone call finally ended, I participated in the rehearsal, 20 minutes late. Sensing that I was in dark, heavy spirits, Hakase said.
“Good morning, Toshi!”
All of the other band members greeted me at the same time.
“Good morning!”
I just lightly bowed to them. This situation was probably very bizarre to those who watched.
A few days before the concert, my brother advised to me.
“Do not tell absolutely anyone about this seminar.”
I went on stage. Showered by the spotlight, heavy rock music played. In the middle of the stage, I stood there and talked.
“Since my childhood, I had an inferiority complex. I thought that if I became a star, a celebrity, I would be happy. I reached the top, but it didn’t make me happy.”
My eyes met with my brother’s and I cut the talk short.
The contrast with what I said was too much for a rock concert. For the fans attending, this was, no doubt, a surprise.
Many times, Moritani came over to my concerts for firsthand observation. Then, she would report everything I did and said to Masaya. As the concert ended, Moritani told me to go to Home of Heart headquarters, so I left the concert venue in Shinagawa and returned to the building of Home of Heart’s headquarters in Minamiasa. Sitting in the dimly lit underground room, Moritani and other Home of Heart staff members surrounded me. Then, Moritani hit my back with a loud “bang”. In reflex, I grumbled, “ugh”. Then, she started yelling.
“Bastard! Fawning over your fans, that disgusting energy of yours is what is making this sacred place dirty!”
As she screamed, many and many times she hit my back with force. I fell with my face to the floor. I cried loudly. Then, mixed with hers, I heard Masaya’s voice.
“Kaori(referring to Moritani) is working very hard in attending the seminar, and until when will you continue to take part of that rotten society? Until when do you plan to continue being such a bad disciple?!”
Masaya kicked my back. The violence and abuse continued for many hours, until they decided to stop and I completely gave in. That night, it went on for over three hours.

Hide’s Death
Morning of May 2 1998. I was at home when the mobile phone rang. It was from my brother.
“Hide passed away this morning…”
I lost my words.
“There will be a ceremony at Shinagawa. It seems like all the members will be there. Yoshiki is arriving tomorrow… Please, you should go too…”
Hide died… I was so stunned that my thoughts went blank. When the call ended, I told Moritani.
“Hide died this morning… I must go there.”
“Huh, what about the training?”
“Any way, I have to go there. Please contact Home of Heart.”
The reply from Home of Heart was, “When you show up at the ceremony, come back right away.”
Alone in a taxi, I headed to the ceremony.
Getting to the front of the entrance, I got out of the taxi. There, I met the staff member who worked as Hide’s chauffeur.
“What happened to Hide?” I asked in a low voice. He just put both of his hands on his neck, moving them tightly, without saying a word. I winced.
“Hide committed suicide?”
I was very confused. I went into the building.
Pata and Heath sat in chairs with their heads lowered. The echo of sobbing could be heard in the room. Immediately I walked towards the coffin. As I approached it, my heart raced. Hide’s parents, who stood nearby, looked at the coffin.
Hideto Matsumoto = Hide without make up, was sleeping in there. Very close to his face, I looked at him.
“Are you alive…? Are you sleeping?”
His complexion was good. As if he could wake up any time now.
But, he wasn’t sleeping on a bed, but in a wood casket. This made me return quickly to reality.
I sat beside Pata and Heath. Our eyes met and Pata just said “Hey” in a very low, weak voice. Heath only raised his face a little to me.
“Thanks for being here even though you are busy, Toshi.”
Hide’s father’s eyes were red.
“If you’d like, please spend as much time as you want with Hideto.”
His mother told me as she dried her tears with a handkerchief.
“Ah, yes…”
Not knowing what to say to the very tired looking parents, I just bowed and looked down.
Then, wails echoed.
“Hide, wake up!”
“Why are you sleeping!”
“Hide, don’t mess with us!”
Hide’s band mates, who loved him dearly, stood near the casket, raising their voices and weeping loudly.
As I came back to my senses, still with my head lowered, I said to his parents.
“I’m very sorry for today, but I must leave now.”
The shouts reminded me of Moritani.
Hurrying, I arrived outside and looked at the sky. The pale orange sky of sunset made me think of that moment, when he smiled bashfully like always, and it faded away quietly.

Deeply rooted fear
Riding the taxi back to Home of Heart headquarters, I called Moritani on the phone.
“I’m getting there right now.”
“Come back right away.” She replied in a cold tone. Arriving at Home of Heart, I went directly to the underground ‘therapy’ room. The soundproofed door had a cold gray color. Turning the wide door knob, the door closed with a loud sound. There were about 30 chairs stored in the 13 square feet wide ‘therapy’ room. The white board was there among other things piled up. It was simply a storage room, with a gray carpet covering the floor. Moritani was already sat in the dimly lit room. She started yelling at me and crying in her usual way.
“Someone with an ego like yours will never listen to what a humble person like Masaya says! Being a stupid egoist will only degrade you to the extent of committing suicide like Hide!”
(Hide would never commit suicide…) I thought, remembering the talk with the staff member earlier, my body stiffened.
Moments later, I heard the door opening. Many Home of Heart staff members entered the room.
“You probably realized something about Hide’s death. At the moment you step outside, away from this place, mingling with other egoists, your life will transform into hell and in the end, you’ll commit suicide!”
(It wasn’t suicide, it was an accident)
“This bastard is still resisting!”
Then, the violence started.
Moritani put me to lay with the right side of my face touching the floor, she straddled my back like as if I were a horse and hit me in the back many times.
Many hysteric managers screamed at me. I didn’t know what they were saying because there were too many people. As they screamed, the violence and abuse started again.
Normally, I would cry and scream in this circumstance, but that day was different. The tears wouldn’t come out. I couldn’t scream either. Yet, Moritani kicked my back and stepped on me very heavily. With the impact of her stepping on me, for a brief moment I opened my eyes and saw the cuff of someone’s pants and they removed their slippers. These were Masaya’s feet.
Many, many times, he hit me in the head and face with the slippers, the tingling pain echoed on top of my head.
Then, Masaya yelled together with the others.
“You’ve seen that person dead, now you’re disturbed, bastard! The future of egoists in a visual rock group like X Japan is suicide! You know that, you beast! If you don’t participate in our trainings, the same will happen to you! Get this through your head!”
Many hours passed, still with the abuse and violence. But in the end, I was unable to cry or scream.

Vow at the funeral
(Damn, I’m late…)
I ran desperately. I was going to Hide’s funeral service in May 7, since 9 in the morning I had been at Home of Heart, enduring the abuse and violence for over three hours. In the restroom of the facility, I changed my tracksuit to a black suit. Keeping an eye on the clock, it was past 12:40. My hair was still very unkempt, but like that I left from Home of Heart headquarters. After running for 5 minutes, I finally got to the place the manager was waiting for me. The manager was in a national made car I wasn’t used to see. I had to sell the Benz car that was used to pick me up.
“I came in my family’s car, sorry about it being a common car.” the manager apologized. The funeral service would only start at 1 in the afternoon, but the ride to the temple would take 50 minutes. In the moving car, I calmed myself down. But I felt a sudden bout of throbbing pain in my body. Looking down, trying to stand this pain, I fixed my hair with my hands. Getting closer to the temple, there were many offerings of flowers for Hide from the fans. When I got there, the service had already started, the priest was already chanting.
“Toshi, this way please.”
The staff members who waited for me asked me to go through the staff only entrance door, guiding my disconcerted self to attendance.
Inside, the place was packed with staff members. My arrival caused a little of commotion. I started to feel very apologetic because of the further trouble I caused. In the big altar, there was a enormous picture of Hide, one where he appeared with bright red hair and heavy make up. Many of his loved guitars were lined up, together with an infinite number of flowers.
The, it was time for the last song to Hide, “Forever Love”. Yoshiki’s piano sounded very quiet. When I started singing, my voice was breaking. Probably because of how much I screamed and cried at Home of Heart in the morning. But even so, I strained my voice to sing. Then, I grabbed the microphone, turned to the picture of Hide and said.
“We’ll live shining very bright for Hide now.”
I questioned my words.
(Can I really live a bright life? Is that how I should live at Home of Heart?)

The last conversation with Hide
The incense burned for a long time. As I stared at it, I thought of the last conversation. That was September 28 1997, at the very middle of Masaya’s first seminar, late at night. A while before that, in September 22, I had heard about the band’s breakup from the press conference. I was watching television when I knew of it. As I saw that, the surprise of the announcement struck me, but to me it was like hearing of some ordinary thing, not personally related to me. “Ah, they broke up”, I thought. At the same time, I also thought, “So they couldn’t find a new vocalist…”.
Days later, certain weekly magazine published an article, saying that my office had ‘protected’ me, not letting me know about the band’s break up.
Hide phoned me, angry because of that article.
“What’s up with that article?”
I did not know about the contents, so I was surprised to hear what they were. But I was far more shocked about Hide being angry at me like that, it was the first time.
“Hide, I didn’t know about these things. But my office did that. I’m very sorry. Forgive me.” I apologized.
As I had just taken the seminar, I talked about what I had realized of myself during the seminar. The pain of my childhood, having turned my situation of inferiority complex into being a celebrity, futile things, how I had many troubles with what surrounded me and so on. Talking about my childhood, pain, suffering, inferiority complex to another person, was what we did at the seminar. Hide was the first outsider to whom I “shared”.
Hide listened closely to what I had to say, since he knew about all of the troubles I had caused at the time I was in X Japan. At first, he was very angry. But finally, I heard from him.
“Toshi, let’s go out for drinks some time. Let me hear more about it all then.”
“Yes, sure. Thank you for calling me. Until then, Hide…”
That telephone talk of about 10 minutes was the last conversation I had with Hide.
When I asked to leave the band, Hide raised his voice at me, trying to stop me from leaving. At Tokyo Dome, in the last live, Hide took the hesitation away from me on the stage. During the very severe recording, Hide sometimes showed up on the studio, and encouraged me, who was sunk in a dark mood. Hide always had consideration for me, he was always kind to me like a brother. I really wonder what Hide would say to me, if he saw me getting stranger and stranger from being deeply brainwashed.

Good bye to him, in make up
The time to take the coffin had arrived. We offered the last flowers to Hide. I placed one flower very close to Hide’s sleeping face. It was not Hideto Matsumoto’s clean face, but a heavily made up Hide. That was very heartbreaking.
I touched his face softly. It was a little cold. It was also a little soft. My bottled up emotions surfaced. Tears welled up. But I had the courage to stay silent, but in my heart, I called his name again.
The members and staff surrounded the casket, holding it, taking it to the hearse. Exiting the building, Hide’s casket was shown to the 50 thousand fans. The cries and screams calling his name seemed like they could break the sky apart.
Next to me, holding the casket, Heath suddenly fell to his knees. I supported one hand on the casket, and with the other I held on to his arm.
“Heath, are you all right?”
I was in a dazed state, not knowing if this was reality or if this was a dream.

The lie of the song dedicated to Hide
With the weight of Hide’s death in my psychological state, I continued with the seminars. In late May of 1998, with guidance from my brother, I transfered the registry of my office and we exchanged a new contract. Then, Masaya told me.
“You know what, I’ll let you sing one of my songs. Telling people of your tragic childhood, painful times, inferiority complex and then singing one of my songs will, even if a little, heal people’s hearts.”
With that, I told my brother and the staff that my new song would be Masaya’s song.
Of course, they were strongly against it.
“Let me do what I want!”
“If you don’t let me do what I want, we’ll end all business!” I answered their opposition with what Masaya directed me to say. The release date was scheduled for July.
Then, the associated record company started to assertively promote the new song for it to sell. But, in interviews and such, no matter how much I hated it, Masaya instructed me to say that “this song is dedicated to my late friend Hide”.
The song in question had been written and composed several years before, naturally it had nothing to do with Hide. I also didn’t want to use someone’s death to sell a song. But Masaya explained.
“I don’t want to sell to major companies any more, but with you here, I have no choice. Actually, if the world listens to this song, if many people do, there’s the possibility that many of them will want to start living genuinely. Your singing filled with strong pride is the worst, but the beautiful music itself will be good energy.”
Then, he directed me to promote the song. In television and in magazines, I would talk about myself now, compared to when I had dyed hair.
“That time was very tragic for me, that person died together with Hide”, I wonder how many times I repeated that phrase. I would deny X Japan without any inhibitions. That was also under Masaya’s guidance. Of course, my words brought anger to the fans. I heard many times that I was “the one who brought X Japan’s break up and Hide’s death”, and that “denying fans was the worst”. But Masaya said, “Denying those rotten, egoist fans of yours and X Japan fans is what you have to do for truth, it’s the right thing”.
Part of me was incredulous, but because of the violence and abuse, I believed that distrust of Masaya’s teachings and speech were my biggest enemy, cased by my ego. “Yes, that’s it. Your thinking is wrong.” I forcibly believed in that. I was more and more isolated now, not having my family, friends, staff, X Japan members, and now excluding the fans who always supported me.

Staff training, Business starts
When Masaya’s song was released in July, I was told by Moritani that Masaya had given me special permission to participate in the “Staff training”. Finishing this training, I would be able to, as Home of Heart staff, sell Masaya’s CDs and other products. At the time, I was confused. As a seminar pupil, it would be the next step, but as an artist, even doing a job for a major company, wouldn’t it be really bad if I started selling Masaya’s products as a Home of Heart staff member? Not only that, but I would have to constantly tell my brother that I wasn’t selling absolutely anything. Regarding my hesitation to work as staff, Moritani said to me with conviction.
“From now on, you’d be allowed to sing Masaya’s songs. If you don’t, you won’t be able to sing with true meaning! You would just be another fake, are you really all right with being a fake healing artist?”
In the end, I paid the very large sum of money for the training and attended. In between promoting the song, appearing on television, I started to call many places in all over the country to sell Masaya’s CD and products. Hotels, lodges, cafes, restaurants. I called them one after the other. There had been times that I even went disguised to some places. Weeks later, continuing to call many places, I finally had a response from a cafe in Nagano prefecture that accepted to take in the CDs. I loaded the car with various of Masaya’s CDs and some cases that were meant to be displayed. Moritani always observing what I did, traveled with me. We drove to that cafe, 4 hours away, to deliver the products. I wore a mask, a cap, and fake glasses. As my heart raced, I went in the cafe.
“Excuse me, I’m from Home of Heart and I’m here to deliver the CDs.”
I tried to do my best not to be found out, but at the same time, I was in a cold sweat in fear of my identity being discovered, thinking about how bad things would turn out if that happened. Of course, all of the profits would go to Home of Heart. I worked for Home of Heart for approximately 11 years. I believed that I was doing the right thing, that I was working for the sake of the world. But, from general perspective, I had turned into Masaya, Moritani and the fraudulent group Home of Heart’s biggest source of income.

Result of the ‘starving strategy’, into loans
There’s no money!
In the month when ‘Staff Training’ began, I had to pay Home of Heart. I went to the bank to receive the salary from my office. Even after confirming my account’s balance, the salary hadn’t been paid. One day after, it hadn’t also been paid. My brother, who was my manager, stopped paying my wage. Furious, I argued with him. “Pay me my money!”
My brother, knowing that my actions became strange and that payment after payment went straight to Home of Heart, leaving me with no money in hands, refused to pay, as a “starving strategy”.
“The way you’re handling money is bad, I can’t pay your salary.” My brother only said this sentence. As a representative director, my brother wouldn’t pay me anything, no matter how many times I asked him to. I became anxious. “Has he discovered I’m doing sales for Home of Heart…?”
With no payment and very little money left on hand, I had the necessity to pay for mine and Moritani’s seminar, Home of Heart products. Saying that I had no money to a Home of Heart manager, I received specially violent abuse.
“If you’re working for a better world, you have to get money! Everyone is doing that! Go get a loan and bring money!”
I went to get my first loan.
When I came back home in Setagaya from Minamiasa, there was a building near the Sangendyaya station. In this building was a sign for a loan company. Looking at my surroundings to make sure no one was looking, I entered this building, taking the stairs for the third floor. Something like an ATM was there. In the screen, I requested accordingly. I managed to get 150,000 Yen in this first machine. Immediately, I went to the loan company in the second floor of the building. And in the same way, I managed to get more hundred thousands Yen. Once again, in the same building, I tried it all one more time, but this time I couldn’t get any more money. The next day, I found another loan company in Setagaya, and took 50,000 Yen. Mostly all of this money went to Home of Heart as payment. I paid the loans gradually with very small quantities. But, each time I paid a loan, I loaned more money, resulting in more loans. This continued for many years. Also, I had credit cards from two companies. I spent all of it buying in Home of Heart. I couldn’t afford the credit card expense in the next month, I asked the companies for a divided payment. Every month I would pay them a small quantity. I had to raise money in some way or other.

Outbreak of “Brainwashing Turmoil”
In September of 1998, I had been taking the seminar for a full year. Then, there was an incident that would make it so that I could not leave Home of Heart.
The magazine “Weekly Modern” published a surprising feature, “The true nature of the ‘brainwashing cult’ that lured in Toshi, former X Japan member”, exposing my admiration of the seminar, claiming that I had been brainwashed by the president, Masaya, that I adored the founder, Masaya, that I had become their “advertisement”, selling products here and there, and that I had been inviting fans and others around me to the seminar. When this article came out, there was a concert date for Masaya in Orchard Orchestra of Shibuya, Tokyo. I would appear a guest in that concert, singing, with the strings session, the song released in July and other Masaya songs. But there was fierce opposition from my office. Their concern was that I had really become the “advertisement” for Home of Heart.
Then, my brother stated.
“This is a contract violation, I can’t let you participate.” and sent me a document.
I said, “But, I’m participating as a friend of the song’s composer, and they’ll even let me sing with a full orchestra, this is great publicity for me, there’s no problem with that.”
My brother had warned Home of Heart earlier, saying that he would not let me perform with them without permission.
Masaya replied, “Toshi himself says that he wants to perform with us. That is not our problem. Wouldn’t that be a problem between he and his sibling?”
I stopped trying to persuade my brother, who would do anything to stop me, thinking that he could use the media to expose Masaya and I. Then, one week before the concert, in September 7, the article in ‘Weekly Modern’ was published.
“There’s this ridiculous article published. That was all set up by your brother!”
When I received that phone call from Masaya, my heart beat so fast that I could hear it.
“Such a troubling thing happened…”
Frightened, I apologized instinctively, my voice trembled.
“I’m sorry…”
“Wait for orders! And don’t come here because the media may follow you!”
One week later, in September 14, there was a second part to the first article in this magazine, “Toshi’s Brainwashing”. There was also an interview in the contents that I had given under Masaya’s instructions at the time of the first article. In the next day, there was Masaya’s concert at Orchard Hall. I thought that, naturally, I wouldn’t participate in it any more, but Masaya said, “After this article, if you don’t show up, it’ll be like as if you’re running away like if you did a bad thing. The time to show up is now.”
To my brother, Home of Heart explained that “Toshi is a secret guest at this concert, no one knows he is appearing and he is not advertising us.” In reality, under Masaya’s orders, I had announced this concert when I had been a radio guest and in other appearances. Home of Heart staff had also announced this show and they informed others of my guest appearance in faxes and such. Many of my fans had bought tickets to this concert already.
The day of the concert, Moritani arrived earlier to the concert hall as Home of Heart staff. She contacted us, “At the concert hall, in the staff entrance, the media is there and already set up their cameras”. Because I was going to perform without permission from my office, the manager wasn’t with me. Alone, I left my house in Setagaya and went to Shibuya by taxi. I felt anxious. “I’m not doing anything wrong, let people see me”, I repeated to myself.
After the article was published, this was the first time I was going to show myself in public. Many cameras from many television companies and reporters were there waiting for me. I stepped out of the taxi, with no one there to guard me. I went into the staff entry door, holding a large suitcase with my stage clothes. Immediately, cameras and reporters surrounded me.
“Will you participate in tonight’s concert?”
“How do you feel about the information that says you’re being brainwashed?”
“That is not happening.”
Answering the media’s questions calmly as possible, I walked as quickly as I could and went through the staff entrance.In the dressing room, violence and abuse from Moritani awaited me.
“Because that damn brother of yours wants your artistic rights, these hoax articles are being published, and it’s getting Masaya involved!! You didn’t kill off that brother of yours and even though Masaya has nothing to do with this, you expect him to do something about your brother? You weak man!”
Cowering on the floor of the dressing room, even though Moritani was saying this in a quiet tone, she struck me on the back with insane force. I had mixed feelings, I was sorry about it all, but at the same time, I wanted to get out of there. When Masaya’s concert started, thousands of people in the audience were my fans. When the concert ended, I received orders from Masaya.
“Go outside and say once and for all to the media that you’re not being brainwashed!”
Without anyone to help, I went outside from the staff entrance. The lights for filming and the cameras flashed all at once.
I was surprisingly calm, thinking:
(This is just like being filmed for a movie…)
More of the media had gathered there since the start of the concert, and approximately one hundred fans that worried about me were present as well.
“Here’s going to be troublesome…” As I searched for an appropriate place to take this urgent interview, a huge line of people followed me. As I walked, many television cameras, flashing cameras and reporters surrounded me. Many of the fans screamed.
“Toshi, are you ok?!”
“Toshi, come back!!”
After walking for five minutes, I found a space to go.
“There’s many things being said about me, but I’m not being brainwashed. I want to work with Healing music from now on. Yet, my brother, who runs my office, does not let me do as I wish. Those things said about me are all false information that my brother made up because he wants to take my artistic rights for himself.”
I repeated the words Masaya instructed me to say.

Aggravation of “Brainwashing Turmoil”
After the published articles in “Weekly Modern”, Masaya and I received many request from television companies to appear on air, from variety shows to news shows. Masaya directed me to ‘take the challenge’. “Take the interviews with the media. Say that you’re not being brainwashed, say that this is all set up by your brother and the media with bad intentions, that these magazine reports are fake! Say that Masaya is just a music producer friend who saved your life, that you’re not in a cult religion. Say that Masaya has nothing to do with this. This is a problem between your brother and you!”
(Isn’t this only going to add fuel to the fire? I don’t want to talk to the media) The thought was deep in my mind, but I had to comply.
“If you don’t do this now, you’ll become your brother’s slave. Are you all right with that!?”
With Masaya’s warning, I was sure that I shouldn’t run away. I started to give interviews actively. First, I went alone to a television show.
“You say that there’s no need for Masaya to come on this show because Masaya has nothing to do with this”, I was instructed. The next day I was told to appear with Moritani, we appeared in interviews saying that “Masaya is the person we owe our lives to”, always criticizing what my brother said. After that, Masaya himself also appeared in interviews. He said, “I’m showing myself to the media to help people realize the nature of truth. Maybe this is a chance the universe has given us.”
When Moritani and the Home of Heart management heard this, they shed tears of emotion.
I thought with pessimism, “The conditions here are good for us to get bashed….”
But I also hoped that if Masaya said so, maybe something good could happen. So, the three of us appeared on TV, gave interviews to magazines and so on. Masaya always gestured a lot, “I just want to work for the good of the world. So, does everyone want to make me a cult religion founder? If I say something, it’ll just be in vain, so I’ll let them say anything they want!”
He complained with emotion. Seeing that, Moritani cried. I said, “Masaya has nothing to do with this. This is an issue between my brother and I. I’m not being brainwashed, I just want to live a quiet life”, repeating the words I was told to say.
To aggravate things, ‘Weekly Modern’ published a fourth article in succession against us.
In it, they published detailedly a telephone conversation I had with Masaya, who told me to “Say that everything is your brother’s conspiracy! Kill your brother! Say that you’re leaving Home of Heart and that you have no connections with us any more!” , a false withdrawal plan. In September 7, the first article was published. In the space of one month, I had become the “topic of the moment”, with the press’ uproar and with TV apparitions and interviews for magazines. Every day, starting early in the morning and ending late at night, there were more interviews. I didn’t have time to sleep and all of my living expense money went to Home of Heart. I started to get loans from other companies, my very little money left also started to disappear. In these television appearances, sometimes we would get a guarantee payment, of approximately 30000 Yen. That became my only source of income. Feeling miserable about getting this kind of money from television companies, eye spinning busy, under the stress to lie to people, and in addition to that, the violence and abuse from Masaya and Moritani, day and night, my appearance became pitiable. My face became thin, my eyes sunk.
I wonder how much persuasive power I had to tell the press that I wasn’t being brainwashed and that I was happy. In the end, I became known as “The brainwashed man who is the publicity for a mind control cult”. With that influence, I was cut off from a radio show I regularly participated after two years and half. My mother and eldest brother also gave interviews, my eldest brother usually saying “Toshi, come back!” in these interviews.
Then, Masaya told me.
“Your brother may have set up a listening device, find a professional who can identify that.”
Inspecting the area around my house, a telephone listening device in the shape of a ballpoint pen was found in a wall. Taking it to the police station, a damage report was filled about the installation of this device. At Home of Heart headquarters, very obviously, another listening device had been installed on the telephone pole’s switchboard. It was also taken to the police station. We still did not know who installed these devices yet. But at that time, disgusted with these harmful action, I hated my family even more, who were so opposed to Home of Heart, I could never forgive them.

A heavy cross
The immense troubles and damage I caused for Masaya with this “Brainwashing Turmoil” meant that I had to carry a heavy cross.
“We were involved in all of this because you came here. Before that we all lived in happiness, now we can’t even feed the children. Because of your brother we are now seen as a cult religion. To save you, I can’t even do business any more. I can’t even go outside any more.” Masaya scolded me. Moritani also, “Masaya risked his life to save you and you return this debt with harm, you’re the worst kind of monster! People like you have such a strong ego that can’t be fixed in any way. The least you could do is contribute with money, let Masaya use it, because that is the only good thing you could do!”
(I have caused so many troubles already, that the least I should do is give them money)
I seriously thought in that way. I heard from Masaya, “Fire all of these egomaniacs that work at your office, make it a ‘truthful’ place!”.
He directed, and introduced a lawyer who he was acquainted with. We proceeded with the preparations for a complete renewal of my office.

Extinguished “Brainwashing Turmoil”
In early September 1998, the media continued with “Brainwashing Turmoil”. Under Masaya’s orders, the lawyer fired my brother, who was the manager, my mother, who was a company director, my father, and two ther employees. I was named representative supervisor of all the three associated companies of the office. Moritani was named as part of the management. The remaining 50,000Yen of the office went to my brother and others as no refund severance payment and loan. I distanced myself from all of those who worked with me in the office. When everything was paid, in the end of September, when the attention to “Brainwashing Turmoil” had diverted a little, Home of Heart received a fax from a person identified as F. They claimed to know who had set up “Brainwashing Turmoil”.
“These series of news reports have all been set up by N. and Toshi’s brother.”
N was someone who had previously worked with my brother and I at a book publishing company. F also worked with us at the time. There was no definite authenticity, but at the time, I felt like I had been saved.
(In the middle of all this bashing someone is supporting me) I thought. In opposition to Weekly Modern’s articles, I had the magazine ‘Weekly Post’ publish a rebuttal, with accounting documents and the leak from F. as the contents. It was the last time. Then, Weekly Modern soon published another article, and the media tried to continue with “Brainwashing Turmoil”, but Masaya said that from now we should not get involved with the media. In not more than one month, “Brainwashing Turmoil” had been gradually extinguished. But, even though, I would be forever associated with the worst label possible, the one of “brainwashed man”.